Edward Cullen Is A Zebrafish
by Mysteriouslyabsent
Summary: Tis true! This is for the people at the GA, who SAID they'd read it. And for anyone else who likes my strange musings. Prepare for an epic tale of horror and bloodlust. CHAPTER FOUR IS HERE AT LAST!
1. Chapter 1

**Edward. Cullen. Is. A. Zebrafish.**

_For the GA crew, yo. You all said you'd read this…_

The moment she saw him, she knew.

Bella Swan was perusing the tanks in her local aquarium, searching for the perfect pet. Charlie had been hinting that she should find something to occupy her free time, and make some friends, and Bella had figured that a pet would fit both categories. On the other hand, she didn't want something that would be too much effort to look after, or would cost a lot of money, which explained why she was currently wandering up and down the aisles looking at various fish.

After half an hour of fruitless searching, she was almost ready to give up. None of the fish were _right_. Their fins were too showy, or they had strange faces, or they were dead. Bella wondered if she should just buy a little bonsai tree instead.

But then she saw it.

There, in the corner of the shop, lurked a shadowed tank. It was almost entirely obscured from view by a thick pair of crimson velvet curtains. Bella was drawn to it, curious. What could possibly be hiding behind the drapes? A fish unlike any other? Some other kind of creature? Something frightening? A _shark_?

She reached the tank, pulled back the curtains with a flourish- and stared.

A small, black and white fish was _sparkling_ in the water behind the glass. It was the most beautiful fish Bella had ever seen, with thick, coppery hair and liquid topaz eyes. The moment she saw it, her heart was no longer her own.

_That zebrafish_… she thought _… I… I…_

"Sir?" she shouted urgently for the shopkeeper, "how much is this fish? I must have it! It's so… so… wonderful! Oh!"

"Take it! Take it for free!" the shopkeeper screamed back. Bella was a little nonplussed by the terror in his voice, but soon forgot everything as she stared at her new pet. A strange feeling flooded through her, a sort of excitement, almost… lust. She'd never felt this way for anything before, human or animal, but this zebrafish, this sparkling, dazzling zebrafish with the soft amber eyes…

"You're a very dangerous pet," she muttered, "I'll have to be careful around you." Then she tucked the tank under her arm and exited the shop.

…

Later that evening, up in her room, Bella surveyed her purchase with satisfaction. The zebrafish darted from one side of the tank to the other, quick as lightning. It occurred to Bella that she ought to name her pet; she couldn't keep internally referring to it as 'the pretty fish'. So, after a painstaking trawl through the internet, she hit upon the perfect name.

Edward.

Smiling with delight, Bella went to tell 'Edward' the news.

"Guess what, darling?" she murmured, pressing her nose to the glass of the fish tank. "You've got a name! It's-"

She broke off suddenly.

There was _blood _in Edward's water.

"Edward… Edward, honey, how did that get there?" She fought to keep her voice even as her heart thudded in her chest. Was Edward injured somehow? No! He couldn't be! She'd only just met him, but she already knew she'd die for him! It was true love!

Edward the fish simply blinked at her, then did a quick somersault underwater, to show her that his whole body was unscathed. He already instinctively understood her. Bella felt her heartbeat slow slightly, although she was still a little jumpy.

"Maybe it's just dye from one of the tank ornaments… I'll take them out and change the water, then, shall I?" So saying, Bella set about her task. When she was done, it was getting late, so she changed into her night things and got ready for bed.

"Night-night, my love," she whispered to Edward the zebrafish, and climbed under the blankets, turning off the light.

That night, Bella had a peculiar dream. She was swimming in an azure ocean, on a beautiful day, and yet she felt inexplicable fear. There was something following her; she was certain of it. After swimming for some time, feeling the fear mount and mount until she could bear it no longer, she spun around in the water and turned to face her pursuer. Before she could see who (or _what_) it was, however, she was suddenly awoken by a sharp pain in the side of her neck.

"Ow! Holy crow, what the heck…?" muttered Bella, gingerly putting one hand to the skin. She gave a gasp of surprise as she touched something hot and wet, and she felt two small puncture marks. Sure enough, when she lifted her fingers away from the wound, they were covered in thick, red blood.

Had she been bitten by some sort of rodent in the night? An insect? Shaking, she tried to sit up, feeling fresh blood course down her pale neck and seep into her hair. The flow didn't lessen, even when Bella desperately pressed her bedsheets to it in a clumsy tourniquet. She tried to scream, but no sound escaped- she was now too weak to make a sound. The last thing she saw before she fainted back down onto the mattress was Edward the zebrafish watching her from his tank, swimming through red, red water.

…

On the other side of Forks town, Jacob Black was getting worried. Lately, everyone in his family had been coming down with a genetic disease, which could only mean one thing- one of the dreaded zebrafish was in town. The immortal zebrafish of death, which had decimated many a noble community over the centuries- all of those in Jacob's family had heard the legends, and knew the signs. If you were from the Quileute tribe and your IQ suddenly dropped radically overnight, a zebrafish was sure to be nearby.

What if Jacob was next? Dammit, he was a mechanic who liked to burst into poetry at random and suddenly talk like a forty year old man- what would he do if he was suddenly struck with _the symptoms_? He had his whole life ahead of him! He had-

At that moment, Jacob did indeed grow another chromosome, and that was that.

…

Edward the zebrafish ran a tongue over his pointy fangs as he finished partaking of Bella's blood. Her corpse was already cooling. Foolish girl. She'd been dead from the moment she'd chosen to bring a flying vampire zebrafish into her home. And now… now… now it was time for the _real _hunt to begin. The rest of Forks would fall in no time flat.

Edward tiptoed to the edge of Bella's pillow on his tail fins, then hopped down onto her carpet and headed toward the bedroom door. Flying was faster, yes, but he wanted to conserve as much energy as possible. He turned to look at the bed, feeling anticipation flutter in his stomach. Sure enough, Bella's corpse was shrinking, shrinking, growing scales. Edward sighed with pleasure. It was the only way. They would be together for eternity now, vampire zebrafish lovers until the end of time. Together, they would rule the world.

… … …

_OMG!11 Wasn't that, lyk, soooo romantic?11 OMG I luff all the twilite ppl, specially Edward!11 He's soooooo kewt!1 I wanna hav his behbehs! Anywayz, plz R&R, cuz I wanna no wat every1 finks! Thx! =D_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: ZOMG!11 I got, lyk, such gud reviews that I fort it'd be kinda stooopid not 2 rite moar! So hear it iz! MOARRRR!1111_

…

_I was just reading over the last chapter, and was like, 'what the heck was I on when I wrote this?' I only hope this chapter can match the insanity, if not surpass it. Wish me luck. _

… … …

**Chapter 2**

The moment he saw her, he knew.

When Bella's scaly and sparkly corpse rose off the bed, Edward took one look at her and jumped for joy. Oh, her inhuman beauty; those glittering tailfins and long-lashed eyes! It made Edward's heart ache…

Bella the immortal undead vampire zebrafish wife-to-be blinked at Edward, and then flew towards him. He knew that she remembered everything and loved him nonetheless. And he knew, in that moment, that he would stay at her side forever, sucking the blood from unsuspecting aquarium-owners with a permanent love-dazed smile upon his face. If he could speak, he would have burst into contrived poetry.

Bella stroked a fin along Edward's cheek, and then they *hugged* for a few hours, because immortal vampire zebrafish never grew tired of bedroom games. Eventually, however, Bella's lust for blood overtook her lust for Edward, and she hopped off to kill her father. Edward watched with pride as Charlie screamed and died in a pool of crimson.

"Bella? W-why?" he croaked with his last breath. "Why are y-you a murderous f-fish?"

By way of reply, Bella ripped his head off and feasted on his eyes.

After Charlie was disposed of, it was a simple matter for Edward and Bella to rampage through Forks town, killing every last one of the townsfolk and resurrecting them as vampire zebrafish. They had an army within days. Within weeks, Seattle had fallen. And by the end of the month, the US government had declared a state of emergency. Dangerous fish were everywhere; waiting to ambush people on street corners, hiding in the spaces under young children's beds, sneaking up on old ladies and changing them into vampires in the blink of an eye. At ankle-height, it was all too easy for the vampire zebrafish to hide in boots in clothes stores, and bite the unsuspecting shoppers as they plunged their feet into the depths of doom.

But then, when all hope seemed lost, a remarkable hero appeared on the scene…

Sephiroth the gay vampire-slaying merman.

Sephiroth had grown up surrounded by vampire zebrafish; as the son of a vampire and a mermaid, he was one of the few beings who were completely immune to their venom. He also knew the only way to kill a vampire zebrafish- roll it in a breadcrumb batter and then toss it onto open flames. This was rather difficult underwater, of course, but now that the vampire zebrafish had spread onto land, Sephiroth was ready. He wouldn't play by the rules.

…

Bella, meanwhile, had a problem. A human-baby-sized problem, growing in her womb, to be exact.

'_How is this even possible?' _she silently screamed. '_It goes against every law of biology there is!'_

Edward touched a sparkly fin to her cheek in a gesture that roughly translated to, '_Hush, darling, you're a flying vampire zebrafish- be strong.'_

Then he did the logical thing and ran like the wind.

…

_Sephiroth the vampire-killing gay merman sniffed the air._

"_The original zebrafish went this way," he muttered, and headed towards a forest in the distance; the forest that marked the border of Forks. He could not walk, but he had prepared well, and used a custom-made unicycle to travel from place to place. For the thousandth time, he wished he had enough zebrafish blood in his body to fly. No matter. He was a hunter, and he would hunt._

…

After Edward left, Bella felt lonely, bored… perforated. Indeed, when the wind blew, it made ghostly 'ooing' sounds as it rushed through the hole in her chest. She was riddled through like a piece of Swiss cheese. Every day was spent in much the same way- she would curl up into a little ball, cry, bite a few humans and then curl up in a ball again.

And all the while, the baby inside her grew.

…

_Sephiroth continued his hunt for Edward the original zebrafish vampire. He knew that if he found the original, all the others would fall, but finding the original was proving difficult. Sephiroth dearly wished that Edward had picked another time to try and get out of paying child-support._

…

Meanwhile, the vampire zebrafish were growing in number, multiplying by the second and spreading all over the world. Humankind was in a state of terror; people locked themselves in their basements, pasting over cracks in the walls to stop the fishes from slithering in. Then, of course, they would starve, their corpses adding to the list of the dead. All seemed lost.

Edward smiled at the chaos he had wrought, but his glee was tempered by his misery at leaving his beloved Bella. He couldn't do this alone. He felt just as perforated as she did, and he was rather curious to see what his human baby would look like. So, after a few hours' careful deliberation, Edward started the long flight back to Forks.

…

_Edward's scent took Sephiroth by surprise; he smelled wonderful, like something so wonderful that no words could describe how wonderful it was. But Sephiroth was trained to ignore the call of his heart when trailing a zebrafish, as to do otherwise could have disastrous consequences. He had seen many a good man die from sleeping with the fishes._

_Sephiroth reached into the pouch dangling off his unicycle handlebars and drew out his bag of breadcrumbs. Edward's time was at hand…_

… … …

_A/N: Soz this chappie iz sooo short, I'm tyred!11 I'll rite moar soon, promizz! Plz R&R cuz I'll luv u forevah if u do and u can b my frend!111 =D_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: OMGOMGOMG I LUFF YOUS ALL SOOOO MUCH YOUS ALL GIVES ME SUCH GUD REVOOS AND THAT MAKES ME A GRATE BIG BALL OF LUVVV!11 TWILITE RULEZ AND ANY1 THAT DISAGREES NEEDS 2 GET SUM TASTE CUZ ED IS DA HOTTEST VAMP EVAH AND DRACOOLA JUST WANTZ TO BE HIM!1 BUT HE'LL NEVAH BE AS HAWT AS EDWOOD, SO TWILITE WINS, NYAAAAH!11111 =D_

…

_A return to the land of the zebrafish! Seriously, I'm enjoying writing this waaay too much… it's like a nice hot bath, but weirder, like a nice hot bath filled with spiny necked turtles or something. And so it begins…_

… … …

**Chapter 3**

Edward the gorgeous-sparkly-vampire-zebrafish-absentee father arrived back in Forks in the middle of a rainy afternoon. His fins quivered excitedly at the thought of seeing Bella again, and yet something in the air unnerved him. Maybe it was the deathly quiet. As he slithered along the grass, slowly searching for his beloved, he noticed that he was the only (not technically) living thing for miles around.

Or so he thought.

In the distant bushes, Sephiroth the gay vampire-killing merman lurked. He was watching Edward through cat-like eyes, working out the best moment to pounce. If he mistimed his attack, he might succumb to Edward's sparkly beauty, and lie there, frozen with rapture, as Edward then chewed him to death. He needed to wait until it was darker, and the rain did not make Edward's skin reflect dazzling patterns of joy.

So he waited.

After a few hours' slithering, Edward found the patch of earth where Bella was lying down, curled in a ball. Her eyes were closed; Edward felt his heart freeze with fear. Was she…? No! She couldn't be! He loved her and she loved him and they loved each other and they were in love! Desperately, Edward reached out with one fin and stroked along her glittering scales. The effect was immediate. Bella's eyes opened, glorious topaz in their surprise and glee, and Edward had to fight the waves of lust that crashed over him like ocean tides at sunset.

'_Darling…' _Bella thought with all her heart. _'Oh, darling, never again…' _

'_Shhh, my darling, shhh…' _Edward silently replied. He nuzzled up closer, gazing at the fishy goodness of Bella's belly, in which their child was living without paying the rent. _'How long until it comes out?' _he wondered to himself.

'_A few hours, I think,' _Bella replied telepathically. She wasn't actually telepathic, and Edward couldn't read her thoughts anyway, but they were soulmates so neither of them needed to and they just understood each other's thoughts, because it was true love.

'_Ah…'_ Edward nodded, his bronze hair bouncing on his shoulders. He wondered idly about what they would name the child, but then supposed that it didn't matter. They were immortal; they had centuries to think of a suitable name, and in the meantime people could just refer to the baby as 'the only human left'.

Edward was about to kiss Bella's gills when the non-existent hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He whipped his head around, and came face to face with…

…

… Nothing. _There was nobody there._

Bella was looking at him anxiously, so he quickly shook his head and pasted a smile on his face. It wouldn't do to worry his darling for no good reason, especially when he'd just abandoned her and caused her an emotional wound that would never heal. He knew that that wound would fester, fester and rot, until everyone for miles around would be able to smell it, and she would have to find a childhood friend to plug it up and stop the stench.

And who? Who could repair Bella's heart? Not Jacob; he was too ravaged by his new genetic disease. And Bella _had _no other friends; she'd had no history before she came to Forks town, and had never displayed any interest in anyone other than handsome teenage guys who'd look good next to her in photographs. Besides, Edward felt his blood boil at the thought of letting any other man within a thousand feet of Bella; she was his property and she would always be! She was his! His!

While Edward was occupied being angry, Sephiroth took his chance. Donning a cover of leaves and branches, he inched towards the gorgeous-sparkly-vampire-zebrafish-chauvinist-zebrafish, breadcrumbs in hand. It was time to end the tyranny. Enough was-

"Enough!" yelled a voice. Sephiroth and the zebrafish spun around, only to come face to face with…

… Zack!

Zack was also a gay vampire-hunting merman, but he was a gay vampire-hunting merman with a secret: he was gay. As his eyes locked on Sephiroth's, he felt his stomach loop- Sephiroth was male, and therefore Zack liked him. Biting his lip, Zack forced back his longings, and addressed the two zebrafish and the silver-haired vampire hunter.

"Enough!" he repeated. "It's not fair, killing innocent humans, or sneaking up on guilty zebrafish! We can settle this in a fair fight!"

Edward laughed a high, croaky laugh, and cracked his knuckles. Bella screamed with fear, because she was a female and that's what girls do. Sephiroth gave Zack a derisive look.

"And what if I just kill the fish and ignore you?" he asked, tossing his silver hair.

"Then… er… hang on, give me a minute…" Zack trailed off, deep in thought. Sephiroth harrumphed and wriggled towards Bella and Edward. Bella gave another scream and flew into the air, gripping Edward's sparkly fins in hers. They raced off towards the horizon, seeking freedom. On the ground, Sephiroth clicked his tongue impatiently; there was no way he could follow them up there. The only thing to do was to start the chase from scratch. He felt anger rise within him, and turned to the only person he could take that anger out on.

"You cost me my hunt," he hissed at Zack, slithering towards him. Zack gulped and wriggled back a bit. With a snarl, Sephiroth threw himself at Zack and knocked him to the floor.

"Er…Oops," Zack mumbled. He wished he'd brought the oversized rollerblade he usually travelled in; he was trapped, and there was no help for miles. Sephiroth would kill him in the Forks wilderness, and nobody would ever find his corpse. "Er… please don't kill me… please…"

"Kill you?" Sephiroth paused, then laughed, a low, rumbling laugh. "I don't wish to _kill _you, foolish scum."

Zack stared at the not-so murderous merman. Was it his imagination, or were Sephiroth's eyes gleaming with… _desire_?

"Er…" Zack was silenced by Sephiroth's kiss. When Sephiroth pulled away, Zack felt hot tears cascading down his face. Sephiroth shot Zack a quizzical look as the black-haired merman started to sob.

"It's n-not fair; I w-want you b-b-but we're mermen and we can't… y'know… I w-w-wanna be human!" Zack wailed. Sephiroth sighed and pressed his head to his chest.

"And we will be, simple creature. When the zebrafish are all dead, humankind will once again reign supreme, and all mermen and mermaids will be turned back into human beings. Why do you suppose I hate vampire-zebrafish so much? They took _everything _from me!" Sephiroth took in sharp, ragged breaths, face contorted with rage. "All my life, I've wanted legs and a penis! And I will HAVE _legs and a penis_!"

Zack hiccoughed and stroked Sephiroth's hair. Maybe, just maybe, they could make this work after all.

"So… if we kill all the zebrafish… we can be together?" he asked.

"Yes," Sephiroth replied, eyes icy.

"Then I guess… Okay." Zack nodded. "Count me in." He took a deep breath, and Sephiroth allowed the corners of his mouth to twitch, the closest he would ever come to a smile.

…

Meanwhile, Edward and Bella were flying across the Atlantic in search of freedom. They were nearing the British Isles when Bella let out a heart-rending scream.

'_Honey, what is it?'_ Edward thought with all his heart.

'_My waters just broke and I had a contraction!' _

… … …

_A/N: Dun dun duuuun!1 Me lovey-love cliffhangerness! Ooh, wowza, lookit how loooong this chappie turned owt! Poor Sephy with no penis… I nearly cryed as I rote it; I cud feel his payn (Bcoz I'm a girl so I don't hav a penis, so I can totally empathise). :'( PLEEEAAAZZZ READ AND REVIEW CUZ I'LL B UR BESTEST FREND EVAH AND OMFG JUST REVIEW, REVIEW!1 IF U REVIEW NO OTHER FICS THIS YEAR, REVIEW THIS!11 NOW!1111 FANK U!11 I LUV U!111 AND U!111 AND U!1 =D_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: ZOMGIES, my drama teacher lyk totly fanciez Edwud to! I woz lyk, 'no waay' and she woz lyk 'yes waay' and then I woz lyk 'nononoway' and she woz lyk 'yesyesyesway' and omfg it woz just wowee zowee wow!11 So I iz writin moar off this fic cuz yous iz all so nice (yous is pillahs of strength, srsly) and I wanna share my gift, cuz im srsly startin two think that I hav a gift 4 writin cuz sumtyms I can type on the keybored- wivowt lukkin at the keys! :O I can only hit the spaysbar and the enter key (cos their big so I can find them moar eezily) but sumtimes I can do shift to!111 :O:O:O So im gonna share my gift nao!11 =D_

…

_My author's note could have been written by Meyer herself. Btw, I'm sorry it took me so long to get this out. I think there may only be a couple of chapters left in the Zebrafish saga… I know, I know… __ But I'll see it through to the end!_

… … …

**Chapter 4**

'_OOOowwoooaaaarrrghhhoooaaaooo!'_ Bella screamed silently.

'_Hold on, my darling!'_

'_OOOWWWWOOOOOOOOOO!'_

'…_It is no good,' _thought Edward._ 'We are going to have to touch down.'_

Owing to some fortunate twist of fate, the vampire zebrafish just happened to be above Big Ben at this moment, so Edward easily guided Bella down onto the top of the clock. There was an added bonus to this-

'_Let us see a zebrafish-hunting mermaid climb up here! _Edward thought with a smirk.

…

"Bloody zebrafish," growled Sephiroth when he found them, somehow.

_(A/N: im tyred, just go wit it, LOL!111)_

…

After Bella's labour had persisted for one hundred and eighty three hours, Edward was starting to worry.

'_Darling,' _he whispered in his head. _'I do not suppose… could the baby be _stuck?_'_

'_OOOOOOWWWWWOOOOOOOCRAP, PROBABLY, OWOOOOO!'_ Bella replied.

Edward cursed. What now? What could he do? He was no midwife! He- wait!

- Midwife!

'_My darling, I've got it!' _he crowed in silent jubilation. _'Hold still!' _With a laugh, Edward the zebrafish pressed his face to Bella's scaly belly and gnashed away with his teeth. There was a slight popping sound as her tummy opened and the baby flew out, landing on a nearby rooftop.

'_About time,' _Bella sighed contentedly. _'Thank you, my love, thank you.'_

'_Do not mention it,' _thought Edward with a blush. _'Shall we go and look for the baby now, or shall we first engage in more pleasurable activities?'_

Bella grinned at her gilled partner. _'The baby can wait…'_

…

"That's what _I _want to do!" wailed Zack, spying on the copulating zebrafish. Sephiroth tutted and knocked the binoculars out of Zack's hands.

"Focus, rookie. First we slay the vampires._ Then_ we get it on."

Zack sighed, chastened. "Yeah, I guess… still, it'd be nice to do a bit of both…"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "All in good time, my friend- well, no, not friend, acquaintance- all in good time…" He picked up the binoculars and pressed them to his own eyes. Zack was going to tell him off for being a hypocrite, but then he realised that Sephiroth was looking somewhere else…

"Zackary," Sephiroth said. He sounded vaguely puzzled. "Look over there, for a moment…" He passed Zack the binoculars and pointed. "Is it just me, or has that vampire zebrafish given birth to…"

"… Where d'you mea- holy crap!"

…

'_Oh, our love is like a Shakespearian epic,' _Bella thought contentedly. _'Did you ever hear of that one… Rhubarb and Julian, I think it was called…'_

Edward nodded. _'Redbeard and Jules… yes, it rings a bell… And yes, I definitely see the similarity. We have a tragic romance that will last the ages here, no doubt about it. Some might say it was the height of arrogance for a couple to compare their romance to one of Shakespeare's writings (and imagine if that couple did so in a written work; it would be similar to an author comparing themselves to one of the Bronte sisters, would it not?) but I would like to see _them _write a successful teen romance, I mean, have a beautiful relationship. Yes, that is what I meant.'_

Bella nodded, too. _'Mmm… Cathy's and Heathcliffe's relationship _was _rather beautiful in some ways, just like ours, though, wasn't it? And on a completely unrelated tack, don't you just hate it when an author puts their own words in their characters' mouths?'_

Edward nodded again. _'Absolutely… should we go and look for our child yet?'_

Bella gave a silent giggle. _'Darling… Give it another couple of hours, okay?'_

…

"How the frickin' frack did that one happen, then?" asked Zack, staring through the binoculars.

"… I have no idea…" Sephiroth replied, then pulled his rucksack off his shoulders and started delving through it.

"Er… what're you…?"

"My father was a scientist, before I killed him," Sephiroth answered. "One of 'his' inventions was a device that allowed the user to ask any science-related question and receive a seventy-percent accurate answer. The percentage is so high because my father stole the invention from Professor Gast, a great man, shortly before he killed him… Killing runs in my family." Sephiroth smirked slightly. Zack shivered. Gawd, the silver-haired merman was hawt! Zack watched as Sephiroth finally drew out a small device with a control pad and a screen.

"So-ooo," Zack said, bouncing on the end of his tail. "What's that thing called, anyway?"

"… A Pokédex," Sephiroth answered. "All the great scientists have used some form of Pokédex over the ages- scientists including the Church, T. Gilesbie, S. Meyer… need I say more?"

"Wo-ow!" Zack stared at the innocent-looking device, eyes round. "That's one heck of an invention!"

"… Indeed." Sephiroth nodded. "You can't go wrong with your science if you have a Pokédex in hand."

"Can we fire it up?" Zack couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice. Sephiroth's lips twitched again.

"I suppose we shall."

…

'_Before we look for our baby,' _Bella silently purred into Edward's left fin, _'what should we name him/her/it? I was thinking of a noun like Paedophile-Magnet, or maybe a place name, like Trafford Centre, but I think we should decide together. We can't have a true love unless it's _equal_.'_

Edward frowned slightly at that, but he couldn't be bothered to contest it. Let the female have her false imaginings of equality. _'Those names are not quite… brash enough. What we need is something at least three syllables, but all one word, that no parent in their right mind would name their child and- ZOMG WE HAVE TO CALL IT RENESMEE!'_

'_OMFG YOU'RE RIGHT!' _replied Bella without sound. _'Now let's go and find the baby, and tell it the wonderful news!'_

They set off.

…

"They're on the move, Sephi-"

"Shut-up. The Pokédex is about to speak."

"Really? COOL!"

Sephiroth held the Pokédex in the palm of his hand as it began in a robotic voice:

"VAMPIRE ZEBRAFISH:

"VAMPIRE ZEBRAFISH ARE UNUSUAL IN SEVERAL WAYS, THE MOST NOTABLE OF WHICH BEING THE NUMBER OF CHROMOSOMES EACH VAMPIRE ZEBRAFISH HAS. THEY HAVE TWENTY FIVE CHROMOSOMAL PAIRS, SO WHEN THEY REPRODUCE, THEIR OFFSPRING HAVE TWENTY FOUR PAIRS, NATURALLY-"

"Naturally?" Zack interrupted.

"Do not question the Pokédex!" Sephiroth hissed furiously.

…

'_Oh!' _thought Bella, in surprise. _'Renesmee is…'_

…

"- AND SO, WHEN THE BABY IS BORN, IT WILL BE…"

…

'… _A chip,' _Edward completed, staring at his carbohydrate-rich daughter. _'Renesmee… is a chip.'_

… … …

_A/N: ZOMG!111 :O :O :O Wats gunna happun nao? Omg, plz, revooo!111 Nao! Or ull nevah fynd owt wat happuns at da end! =D Bwhahahahahah!111 REVIEWWWWWWWWWW!1 _


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